foxnewsofficial:

cumomelet:

a riddle:

a man is driving his son to school. they get into an accident and the man dies. the son is rushed to the hospital and when he arrives for emergency surgery the doctor says “i cant operate on this boy, he is my son!” how is this possible?

omg one time our english teacher told us this to try and show what a modern thinker he was and we were all like “it’s a woman” and he was like oh wow i thought he was gay i hadn’t thought of that

brontophobic:

artsyloserwest

My boyfriend made a joke...

Matt: Hey honey, do you have pet insurance?
Me: ... no. Why?
Matt: Because your pussy is getting smashed tomorrow! Oooooooooh!!

Wookie hat. Yes.

My cat is sleeping at the foot of my bed and has been for about an hour now. Just a minute ago she suddenly erupted in this lion-esque growl, stretching her body really intensely, and then proceeded to go back to a quiet slumber.

She’s dreaming big, I can tell.

mooseleys:

(x)

brynnasaurus:

Oh look it’s just Chris Pratt surprising a theater full of kids at a charity screening of Guardians of the Galaxy in New York

oh look Chris Pratt has melted my heart into a puddle yet again

(via NY Daily News)

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